Tough Love Travel Tips

With Spring Break rolling around, I've seen a lot of articles on travel, and I felt the need to weigh in as a former airline brat.

My Mom spent the majority of her Mom years working in the travel industry and to that end, my family and friends were able to take advantage of some wonderful opportunities as non-revenue passengers.

Being a non-rev rocked. It was such a liberating feeling to be able to walk through an airport, passport in hand, thinking to myself, "Wow, I could go anywhere right now."

(I was probably the only fourteen-year on the planet, who on a class trip to France, told her chaperone, "Well, the return flight is oversold, and they are offering up vouchers for overnight accommodations and a first-class seat home. And I can add these miles to my Aadvantage account. Be right back."

Needless to say, that did not work out for me.)

But with perks come drawbacks. As a non-rev stand-by passenger, there's a lot of waiting around. And as a guest of (and representing) the airline, you can't exactly bitch about your choice of peanuts or pretzels. You take what you get and like it.

So, as a former brat, here you go:

Say Yes to the Dress

How to say this in a nice way? If you wear it to the gym, to bed, to clean the house, to lounge about on a lazy day, please don't wear it on the airplane. I am appalled to see what constitutes as travel attire.

As a representative of the airline, we had dress requirements for both first class and coach. My first question to my Mom would be, "Do I need to dress for first or coach?" After a while, I simply dressed for first class just in case I got stuck someplace where a first-class seat was the only option available. (I know, I know. A hardship.) So, I had to learn how to reconcile style with comfort.)

Find yourself a couple of go-to travel outfits.

I prefer black pants, a cami, and a blazer. I feel like I'm wearing sweats, but I looked pulled-together.

You don't have to look like you just woke up at a prison rodeo. And unless it's #tbt circa 2005, leave the Juicy tracksuit at home.

Accessorize, Moisturize, and Other Beauty Tips

Traveling is hard on the body. It compromises your immune system, dries out your skin, and tries your patience. Prepare yourself.

Accessorize appropriately.

I always travel with a pair of oversized sunglasses. Especially if I'm traveling at what I deem to be an uncivilized hour. They disguise the fact that I could look like five miles of bad road and also give the impression that I don't feel like talking.

I also travel with a pashmina wrap. It doubles as a blanket, keeps me warm, and looks good.

A little note about jewelry: leave your expensive stuff at home (or in a safety deposit box) when you travel. I travel with basic, inexpensive pieces.

Find a shoe that fits.

Leave your hooker shoes at home and find a good flat shoe for travel. Easier for going through security and for wearing in-flight.

Take care of your skin.

I keep my travel make-up to a minimum: concealer, mascara, and lipstick. If I'm traveling long distances, I will moisturize my skin.

Travel stank-free.

I love my No. 5. The rest of the 727 may not. Underwhelm your fragrance.

Understand TSA Rules

I get it. Going through security sucks. It does. It pushes about all of my cranky limits. But what really cranks my tire is not the TSA workers (although they have done so), but the passengers who do not know the protocol. If it has been a while since you've traveled, take a look. Your C-PAP machine really does need to be removed from its case.

Just like your laptop.

And if your YSL foundation doesn't meet the amount required for travel, you may have to let it go. (Sorry about that for real.)

But arguing with the TSA worker who makes $12 an hour isn't going to change their minds. And all you do is waste my time.

Same thing with people who don't like the body scanners. Me either. Guess when the time is to NOT address that issue? When you're going through security with people who have no control over the situation.

I think we must take an object lesson from George Clooney Up In The Air.

Don't be a Douche Noodle: in other words FFS

Your flight's canceled? Oh noes.... You're having to lose that Diet Coke you forgot to finish before going through security? You can't get both peanuts and cookies on an overly-full flight and decide to have a meltdown?

Grow up and suck it up. Sh*t happens. Don't take it out on the people who can't change it. And if they can, you acting like an assh*t won't make it better. However...

Stand your ground.

If an airline/TSA employee is being abusive or disrespectful, report them. You can and you should.

Anticipate Your In-flight Experience

Unless you have the means and miles to upgrade, you're probably traveling in steerage--I mean coach. Home of the cramped seats and the sore *ss.

Bring a blankie.

I travel with a wrap to keep me warm--as I mentioned. Unless they're in plastic, airline blankets are gross, gross, gross...and in spite of their nastiness, on most airlines, are no longer in coach...er...economy.

Feed yourself.

Unless you want to pay $7 for a small can of Pringles, feel free to bring snacks with you. I prefer trail mix or beef jerky. Something with protein. And yet...

Feed yourself before flight.

Dear Person Sitting Next to me with your Big Mac. You couldn't have taken the time to eat before boarding? Take five. I don't want to arrive at my final destination smelling like a double-patty with cheese. Just like you don't want to smell like my No. 5.

Hydrate.

Yeah, yeah. We've all heard this. Do it anyway.

Sleep when you can.

Especially on flights to Europe.

Entertain yourself.

Dear Gogo In Flight..I Heart You.

Be kind to people with babies.

As a non-parent, I find myself feeling incredibly irksome with parents and children in restaurants. But they have someplace to go. Not on airplanes. I brought my eight-week Yorkie home on an airplane, and all I could do was say, "Sorry. I am so sorry" when she whined her way home during a two-hour ride home in first-class. You know who loves traveling with babies less than we do? Parents.

Get your (Landing) Freak On

Oh--I have terrible ear issues with flying. So, my tip from me to you is to relieve the air pressure in your ears as soon as possible. As soon as I feel a shift before descent, I plug my nose and very gently blow to remove pressure. This usually works in my left ear. Then I hold my left ear closed and try again.

I do this multiple times until landing.

FITD (tough love this time!)

xo,

B